Carrying to term Miscarriage

Processing Psychological Trauma Before TTC

Unexpected Stress During Early Pregnancy

It was probably around the 8th week of my 2nd pregnancy. My husband had a mental breakdown. He was being emotionally harassed by one of his bosses in his workplace, after being pulled into complex office politics. I known about what happened between him and his bully-boss, but I had no idea it would get to this stage.

His boss was now threatening him everyday that he will be kicked out, and also claiming he was spreading words within the industry to make sure my husband wouldn’t be able to find another job.

I was scared. I said I lived in pure joy before we conceived our 2nd. I suddenly went from pure joy to deep, constant fear. It didn’t help that I had chosen to be a stay-at-home-mom, without an income of my own.

During the 9th week, my husband sad his boss wanted to see me. I protested. My nausea was getting stronger and stronger, and I just wanted to lie down at home. But he told me his boss wanted to figure out some arrangement that works for all of us, and requested to hear our needs from me. I was dragged to the meeting and despite my severe nausea, managed to sit through. The boss suggested that our family relocate to another city where my husband can be given a new post.

It wasn’t something I particularly wanted, but I just wanted peace and quiet. Being away from all this bullying and politics that pulls even the wives in sounded like a decent idea. Things seemed to have settled by that evening.

But the next day, my husband came to me and said he was quitting his job. He could not take it any more. He wanted to leave the job without a prospect of finding another. He begged me to understand, saying that we were a team.

Long-Term Repressed Emotions Hurt My Pregnancy

At this, something snapped in me. It wasn’t his wanting to leave the security of having a job that angered me. It was the “being a team” part.

All my pent-up anger welled back up.

How my husband didn’t treat me as an equal partner and I had to fight for my wifely position over years.

How he used to ignore my existence when his parents were around, because in his family, that’s how a husband behaves.

How he constantly chose not to be open to my needs and wants, instead prioritizing those of his parents and sibling.

How he used to drag me to office gatherings to please his bosses, even when I was moaning with fever and splitting headache.

“We are a team”? What team? I was made to feel isolated and un-valued for years. And only now, when you are feeling vulnerable, you are calling us a “team”?

I found myself yelling at him like I had never done in my life (in fact, I usually never yell at anyone, which is the problem.) I felt a physical blow to my lower abdomen as I did so. My rational brain was screaming – this is not good for the baby, please stop – but the irrational part of me was out of control. The date around which our baby’s heartbeat stopped coincides with this event.

My husband and I had long-standing issues as a couple. I thought I had already fought my way through them, but it hadn’t been enough.

I Wish I Had Learned to Meditate Before….

So here is my proposition to people like us, who’ve had difficulties in your relationship with your partners. Take up forgiveness meditation, or if you have financial resources, even marital counseling before TTC. Come to peace with what happened in the past. Being at peace with your past goes a long way in protecting your baby through pregnancy.

I have been practicing the forgiveness meditation since I lost my baby. I wish I had started it earlier.

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